Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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