my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
