Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
