she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
