She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
