She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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