Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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