I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
