I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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