i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize