i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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