My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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