You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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