One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
