Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
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