my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
