so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
