Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
