Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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