I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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