I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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