My liver just broke up with me...
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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