I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
