You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
