Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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