i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
