Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
