every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
