She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
