Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
