just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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