I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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