I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
