WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
