I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
