my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
being pregnant is like rehab
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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