He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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