you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
