My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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