That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
