Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
