I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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