stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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