Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize