oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize