i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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