We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
