man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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