I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
