mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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