I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
