so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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