They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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