I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
