You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
