I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
