Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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