you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
