If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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