All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
