Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
