so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
