Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
