I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
